For every age there are a set of standard questions that you are asked. When you are little, because adults (having given up their child-like spirit) don’t know how to relate to you, they ask—did you have fun? And that, perhaps, is a fair question. You say yes and maybe mix in a cute smile or tell the story about how you visited your grandmas farm and fed the cows.
Once you’re in high school—to avoid the real questions like how depressed are you really? and how misunderstood do you feel?—they ask what are you going to do after high school? And you don’t know anything. A couple over-achievers say that they want to take chemistry or physics, but they are assholes (for making me look bad) and a lot of them won’t make it through their first term.
Once you’re in university or working, everyone wants to know what you are going to do with that? And while I have and continue to ask that question, I try to do it in such a way that doesn’t make it seem like I am asking so that I can compare our lives and feel superior. Yes, I have an English degree. What are you going to do with that… teach? You know how many times I have heard that response. I have even got that response from people doing an BEd. They know I’d have to do a BEd to teach, but they still ask. If only I could go back and punch those people right in the face. The questions just get more annoying.
So you find yourself in a relationship and—of course—when are you getting married? LIKE I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PRESSURE ALREADY. And I just want to say I’m just here for the ice cream. Leave me alone. But if you date someone for ice cream it makes you look bad. So you say Oh, you know, some day, maybe.
So you get married. Hopefully to the right woman or man. Then we get to babies.
We ask and ask and ask all these questions to reinforce the myths we (want to) believe in. It’s good to work. Good to go to school. Good to be monogamous. Good to have babies. So when are you having babies?
And this is where I am at. If people misunderstanding an English degree makes me want to punch you in the face then I think we can agree we won’t examine my physical reaction to this question. Usually, the people who ask, are already parents. Or they are your parents. And you don’t want to offend them and say—I don’t want kids. I am happy for you and your baby having—and I agree they are cute—but I don’t want them. Not now, at least. It’s an ongoing discussion
But let’s say, you answer the question honestly. No, I don’t want children. Not babies at least. Babies scare the shit out of me. Could I just adopt a normal 12 year old? They say—oooh you’d be a great father. If there is one thing you can be sure of about it’s that I don’t lack confidence. I have spent more time with children than most people my age. There are just a lot of questions I need answers to like—do I really want to shape another human being to be like me? Does the world need more people? Would my hypothetical child be good and normal or get mixed up with gangs? How pedestrian will my life become? When will babies stop scaring the shit out of me?
Then you either have babies and then people start recycling the same questions you’ve been asked all your life except now you have to answer it for your child. What’s little Rhys (that’s my hypothetical son’s name) doing these days? Oh, sniffing glue and robbing convenience stores. Plus he hit his mother again so we kicked him out of the house. Oh, I think I left a peach cobbler in the oven, I better go.
And if you don’t have children. Well I don’t know what they would ask, maybe… When are you going to die? But frankly, I think that’d be the most honest question yet.
16 Comments
My response will be bias, because I have children but a few thoughts.
“Do I really want to shape another human being to be like me?”
-They are not just like you, they are like you and Leah. There are two of you remember, unless you are planning on cloning yourself.
“Does the world need more people?”
-No, but what if your son or daughter would be the one that helps solve world hunger?
“Would my hypothetical child be good and normal or get mixed up with gangs?”
-Did you? Didn’t think so. You can’t see the future, the only way to know is to jump in a see what happens.
“How pedestrian will my life become?”
Is it now? Then why would it become so? Your activities will change but that is part of life. You might not go out to the bar and drink with your friends every weekend, but do you really want to do that all your life?
“When will babies stop scaring the shit out of me?”
- I have bad news for you, they never will. They scare me, but they are a lot of fun.
Don’t like the easy questions that people ask while you are growing up then here are some harder ones for you.
Why do babies scare you? What are you really afraid of?
Do you love your wife?
Just a few thoughts, now I have to go back to work.
I suppose I set myself up for that. Good response. I’ll get back to you on it.
What I struggle with is the people who think that they know what I should be doing with my life/our life. We have had SO MANY people ask why we don’t have kids yet, and I just can’t/won’t/don’t want to explain that God is not calling us to children right now.
If we had become parents when others thought we ’should’, we would not be the kind of parents that we’d want to be. We are ready to make that jump when WE are ready to. Not me. Not my husband. Us. Together. So unless you’re me or my husband, what happens in our bedroom is none of your business. Back off!!
(um… sorry for the rant on your blog. Feel free to delete if you feel the need to.)
I’ll chime in in solidarity. In a happily married relationship (7 years) and no plans for kids. But everyone keeps asking.
I would argue that the choice should be open and the pressure that comes from the cultural expectation that “everyone will get married and have children” is unfortunate. I think it is just the general sense that everyone wants people to be like themselves. Which is completely understandable but, in my opinion, a poor reason to procreate. Kids or no kids should be an informed decision, not an issue for peer pressure.
Stay strong Rhett. I have the fortunate situation of having a childless older sibling – which acts as a shield. I deflect the baby question with: “Ask my sister when she is having kids.”
@Jen – No way! Hilarious/awesome response. Much better said.
@Jeffrey – Yes, I just need my little sister to be really irresponsible and I’ll be off the hook.
There are so many thoughts expressed here that I could really lecture Rhett on but I will limit myself to a few thoughts. “Standard questions” are just that, there is no hidden meaning or implied pressure (for the most part) – they are simple conversation sustainers. I bet the majority of people who ask them forget your answer 10 seconds after it leaves your lips – so relax. When they do ask a question like “what can you do with an English degree’ maybe you can figure out a reasonable way of enlightening them so that when their kid wants to take Political Science they can dig a little deeper and see some possibilities beyond the obvious. When someone opens the door with such a question how you handle it or take advantage of the opportunity is your responsibility or are you just giving “standard answers?”
I am with Lee on the matter of kids. Merely because you have spent a week or two with a lot of kids at summer camps doesn’t really give you much insight into children I am afraid. Your suggestion that parents don’t ask the tough questions because maybe they are afraid of the answer is off the mark. Parents try all sorts of means to communicate with their children – sometimes they are successful in penetrating and sometimes they’re not.
I don’t believe parents bring children into the world to raise little clones of themselves. Parents try to open as many doors as possible for the children to show them some of life’s possibilities. Parents want their children to be successful and happy and tough enough able to ride out some of the inevitable dark times.
While raising children seems like a daunting task there is NOTHING better than having children. If or when you decide to have children is entirely up to you and when we ask about children in your (and Leah’s) future don’t read too much into the question – maybe all we are doing (as parents) is to stay involved in your life, no judgement is intended.
Ah, the old “are you going to be a teacher?” question. I hated that one. On rare occasions, I still get it, despite the fact that I’m relatively happy working as a copywriter.
As for the “there is nothing better than having kids” thing that got raised in the comments, and gets raised quite often in this kind of discussion: I don’t buy it.
If you choose to become a parent, yes, it’s very likely that nothing will ever be better than having children. I hope to have kids one day, and I suspect that when I do, that will be the best thing to happen to me. But, implying that there is nothing better seems to imply that people who choose not to have kids (or who can’t have kids) are missing out on something, that they’re somehow not living the fullest life possible because they don’t have kids.
Personally, I find that kind of offensive. And this is coming from someone who wants to have kids one day, so imagine how people who don’t want to have kids feel about a statement like that.
Oh, how tired I have become of these “Standard Questions.”
The question of marriage is currently the most annoying.
“When I bloody feel like it, lady,” is not an appropriate thing to say to your grandmother, as it turns out.
I knew after I hit the ’submit’ I should have added the qualifier “…NOTHING better for me than having children.” I’ve experienced lots of success at different things in my life but nothing matches how I feel in terms of raising my children. Reading some implied message in anyone’s words is risky – Adam’s interpretation of what I was saying is off the mark. If there was an implied message it was that if one chooses/is able to have children there will almost certain satisfaction with that choice. Most people wrestle with the decision of becoming parents and some of the uncertainty around it (at least for me) was related to the fact it was not a choice that could be undone. The heart of my message is that if you choose to have kids you won’t regret it.
Hi Doug,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. It’s no wonder my parents (Gerald and Mary) like you and Kristin so much – you’re so much alike!
I do agree with you. Mike and I certainly want kids, and we’re aware (as much as we can be pre-kids) of the joys and trials that they bring. Right now, we love our friends kids.
I’m doing my masters online right now – a plan that seems foolhardy to some when I could be making babies instead. BUT I know that this is God’s plan for me right now. I have learned so much about myself, life, what I want in a career, and I’m being challenged in ways that make me a better person, which will make me a better mothers. (And there are non-bloggable reasons as well, which I can’t share here).
All that to say, while the standard questions may not intend to hurt, sometimes they do.
A story to prove my point:
I was at St. Peter’s one Sunday last year, and someone put their hand on my belly and asked if there was anyone in there. I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT. (Kristin can verify this!).
Since I’m not pregnant, it was annoying. If we were trying to get pregnant and couldn’t, I would have left church in tears. If I was pregnant and not telling people yet, I would have had to lie.
In other words, what good comes from a question like that??
I am crying at my desk this is your best post yet, so relevant and deep (not being a very deep person) I loved it.
On cloning – don’t give Rhett any idea’s
LGR sounds like he wants you to have babies…
My mom says we (my sister and I) have absolutely made her life wonderful, she speaks so unbelievably highly about the entire ordeal. I of course see the other side, we have put her through hell and back and she loves every minute of it… crazy
I have visted 3 newborns over the past week and have 2 more to visit and 2 more on the way…
great comment Genie, I have this talk with my grandparents constantly, I find it entirely ammusing. “Now Curtis you know the story about the cows looking over the fence into the greener pasture, well it always looks greener on the other side of the fence…. I am that cow or something in there eyes… you would have to be there, quite amusing”
Dougs last comment – see Rhett your dad still loves you even though you didn’t do chemistry or physics.. hehe
Personally I can’t wait to have a little clone. Rhett do you remember when I would call and sometimes have to beg for you to come out and play (hockey, ball, etc), with my little clone I will be able to force him/her to play with me whenever I want!! hehe can’t wait!!
don’t worry world (Rhett’s blog readers) I am not ready to procreate yet, and my girlfriend Emily is absolutely strict on ’safety first’!!
I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in, broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW, What a ride!”
cd
Generally, I do like to respond to everyone that takes the time to comment. But there’s so much here. So I will just say thanks to everyone who responded, both serious and funny.
Great post, this sums up my experiences leading to the present – the baby questions.
Wow…Rhett…I really loved reading this post of yours!
Thanks Jess.