Man, does that title have some sweet SEO value or what? Hey, did the search engines trick you into visiting this page? Well, I’m a nice guy. Take a read. Enjoy yourself.
Actual Blog Post—Begin!
So here is the story. Last night, I was sitting here watching Invader Zim on NetFlix and just after 11 PM a simple thought popped into my head, as if for the very first time—when does my passport expire? And I do the whole “scramble to the drawer where my passport is and feverishly dig it out” even though I already know I’m totally and entirely screwed. February 20. That’s the day it happened. That’s the day my passport died. Two weeks. TWO WEEKS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had been planning since last September. I had such a great time last year at SXSW and I’ve been thinking about it since I left last year. This year I’m going with my friend David Austin and over the last few weeks we’ve been sending each other different parties, panels and other things going on. So I’m pumped but for some reason my brain isn’t thinking—check your passport YOU IDIOT.
One Rule For Travel Writers: Always Have Your Passport
Let’s review: I’m the web editor of travel magazine. I’m pretty sure there’s only one rule: always have your passport. That’s the one rule. And I broke it.
Don’t you hate change? I liked that passport. We’d been through some real shit together. Honestly, I have a lot of very reasonable excuses. Work’s been crazy busy. I’ve been focusing on other projects, like the podcast and a few secrets ones that I’m not ready to announce. And February was just total shit. I mean, I can’t remember anything good in February. Nevertheless, I forgot to check my passport. I knew it expired in 2011, but I didn’t check. That is just stupid. Plain stupid. And I know better.
Beauty & The Tantrum
I totally lost it last night. I’m pretty sure I spent a lot of time rolling around on the floor, cursing the gods and wondering why this was happening to me? WHAT DID I DO? It’s all a bit of a blur. I’m operating on a couple hours of sleep and those were not good hours of sleep. I’m pretty sure it was a brief stress coma. I still have a hard time believing that I’m that guy.
Thankfully, I’m married to Leah who is far more practical than myself. She got to work. She started reading the Passport Canada website. She found the forms. She found the “Urgent” option which is 24 hours. She filled out the forms. I found some friends to vouch for this gangsta (THANK YOU!) and I got everything I needed together. Then I went to bed, exhausted and passed out around 12:30 AM. Also, it’s important to note that the stress was really doing wonders for my gastrointestinal tract. Also also, I’m tired of this narrative so let’s do the rest of this annal style.
The Timeline After I Fell Asleep
At 5 AM certain evils transpired. I’m taking the high road here and not giving you graphic detail.
At 7:30 AM I was at the Harry Hays Passport Office for the moment it opened, but there was one problem—I needed photos. And guess what? The three passport photo shops in the vicinity did not open until 9 AM. I walked to all of them. That’s how I know. I couldn’t move my car or I’d never get another parking spot. So I waited.
At 8:56 AM I was getting my passport photos. In the previous minute, I was following behind the employee who had just unlocked the door. By 9:01 AM I was running across the street to the Harry Hays building, got my application marked urgent, JUMPED THE MOTHER TRUCKING LINE and had it processed immediately. They’d check my references and I was to be back at 3 PM to pick up MY NEW PASSPORT!
At 2:43 PM I was back at the Harry Hays building. This is when I think the passport officers (I don’t know if they are officers, but that’s what I’m going to call them) started messing with me, because even though they said pick it up at 3 PM, they also said they can’t guarantee anything. I was pretty confident that it would happen, but I wasn’t going to believe it until I saw it.
I gave the officer my slip and she went and looked through her alphabetized pile. And I’m pining for the fjords like I’ve never pined before. Because this still might not happen and she can save me and I want to know if they are going to save me. WHO IS GOING TO SAVE ME?
She said, just one moment and went to the back. And I was standing there and I was worrying. It’s funny how stress goes to different places. Usually my stress goes into my throat. Just thinking about it makes my throat clench up a little. But this was all in my stomach, as previously mentioned. (I want you to know that I’m working really hard not to go there.) Am I going to get this passport? Is she going to come back and say the wizard that creates passports had gone home for the day?
After 5 minutes she comes back, empty handed and says it’s not ready yet and come back in 10 minutes. I thought about asking if I was going to get it today, but then I realized it would be a tactical error (been watching TNG). I was early so I’ll give them the requested time.
At 3:01 PM I was back. Again, she get through the alphabetized pile. No luck. Again, she goes to the back. After a couple minutes she comes back, empty handed again and I realize that I’m not going tomorrow. No SXSW for me. But there was a savior just behind her.
Conclusion: Thank You Passport Canada
The other officer handed her my new passport.
I’m making jokes. But this was awful for me. I was so embarrassed. I’m embarrassed telling you I was embarrassed. I made such a stupid mistake, but it happens—right? Some times you hit the Game Over because you jumped down a hole and it was a mistake. This time Passport Canada gave me an extra life. I’m telling you this story because they deserve so much praise for producing a new passport for me in less that 7 hours.
They saved me on so many levels. And I told the officer that before I left and she assured me she would pass it on. I was so relieved I almost started crying right in front of her when I was thanking her. Maybe I should’ve cried and she would’ve known how much it meant to me. Sure, I paid you double, but I would’ve paid you more if I could have. So this is what I have to offer. My thanks to all you government workers tonight, but of course a special thanks to everyone at the passport office in down town Calgary.
POOP!
What a kick-ass blog – and maaaaan, were you ever lucky!
Super lucky. Thanks Jess.
Great story. Superly well written. In other news, damn you. Bring me back a souvenir!
Thanks Allison. I’ll see what I can find for you.
What is it with guys having expired passports that are leaving the country the next day? You’re the second one in two days that I’ve heard about. Glad you got it all worked out. On a side note, I’m extremely jealous that you’re getting to go down.
Thanks Kyle. You know, SXSW is probably getting too big to actually be really useful or at the very least it’s getting close. That being said, I’m grateful to be here. Austin is such a beautiful city.
What can I say bro? You’re stupidlucky. Interpret that kenning how you may. Henceforth, you’re going to be the paranoid guy on behalf of all you know—but only about passport expiration.
“Hey Rhett, I’m taking a trip.”
“Is your passport up to date?”
“I don’t know. I think so.”
“Let me tell you a tale . . .”
I suppose some times it is important to remember you can easily make really stupid mistakes. I was certainly humbled throughout the process.
Good word on that. Sadly, I am reminded all too frequently about my capacity for stupidity.
Breathe In the Bad, Breathe Out the Bad | Bailing Bucket
[...] on that Canadian SWAT show? So cute. Amirite?)The stress reached megazord levels with that whole passport fiasco. There’s been a knot in my stomach ever since. I haven’t been eating much and what I do [...]
It’s great to hear the story behind that unexpected phone call I got a few weeks back from Passport Canada. The stars were aligned because I’m not usually home at the time they called…and the questions. How long have you known this person? What is your relationship to them? Where does Rhett work? What neighbourhood does he live in (apparently SW Calgary is an ok answer – thank you wedding invitations). My favourite though was “Can you please give a physical description of this person.” It’s been a while since I was last on your blog but I’m glad to hear you got the passport (& made it on your trip)
Sorry Laura. I had sent that FB message but I didn’t want to ring you in the middle of the night and then when I got to the Passport office they called you as soon as I handed in the application. Thank you soooo much! You really, really, really saved my butt.