Unlike other blessed children within the Soveran family, my sister Emily was born on the highest of contemporary pagan holidays—today, Groundhogs Day.
My mom, who is now a theist (or at least that’s what she has us believe), seemed to adore this pagan holiday (at the time my mom was certainly a pagan). Maybe that’s why she had Emily on February 2, 1987. Mom would have us all gather around to watch for the magical groundhog to tell us of wintry fortunes. BLESS US O’ MAGICAL GROUNDHOG. Tell us of our wintry fortunes. Thus, as a true believer, my mom—as did Mary—birthed the pagan messiah—Emily Marie Soveran, the Lord of the Pagans.
Emily doesn’t agree that she might be the Lord of the Pagans, but I get the feeling she is. Let’s run through the list:
- She’s basically a hippy = pagan
- She has a high opinion of herself (not like we humble Christians) = pagan
- She’s dresses very cool = not necessarily pagan but certainly her parentage is questionable so probably pagan (spawned by a pagan god, perhaps? CURSE YOU ZEUS!)
- She hated and got rid of my first dog, Sally = pagan
- She loves her (demon) dogs = pagan
- She drives a red car = pagan
Well, I hope you have an excellent birthday Emily. I hope this humble sacrifice of editorial brilliance will stave off any curses you might will upon me in this year of our pagan lord 2009.
Don’t expect a card. It’s not coming. I pray for your speedy salvation from your pagan ways.
P.S. Please don’t burn me, anyone, for the high levels of offensive sacrilege in this post. Thanks.
7 Comments
As the mother of this diety, I have a few additions and corrections for this post. It is true that Emily is the most fairest of all the young maidens and ’sovereign’ she is … but you need to remember that February 2nd is also celebrated as the “Presentation of Jesus at the Temple/the Purification of Mary/Candlemas” I thought I should point this out (as I was at chapel – twice – today), since you mentioned, I have been transformed from a pagan to a theist.
So as I see it … my firstborn has been dedicated at the Temple to serve God (hint!), I have been purified … and my second-born is a blessed candle – one of the bright lights that shines into the darkness of this world.
Now as to your father being Zeus … well what can I say … I worship him
Correction: Sally, the dog, departing our family is on my shoulders. Now you’ll hate me – UGH.
I was in Wiarton, ON last year to see Willie in person. It was lots of fun to celebrate Emily’s birthday with the ‘next to’ best thing. If I couldn’t have Emily, then settling for Willie was pretty good.
What about my parents, Kristin?? (There’s Almighty God and the Golems watching you, you know!)
Wait until I tell my mom about this ‘oversight’….
Rhett, it looks like your whole family might be pagans.
So, does your sister live her birthday over and over again until she gets it right every year—like Bill Murray (peace be upon him)?
You know when Leif makes more sense than the two of you that you are in trouble.
Had to look up pagan on Wikipedia, hilarious read, I love how Rhett arrives at his conclusions!!
cd
Good times on bailingbucket!
Whoah…..I forgot about Emily being born on Groundhog’s day. Hope she didn’t kill you yet Rhett. It’s not easy to associate Emily on a yearly traditional event relying on the prediction of winter by a rodent. No, I didn’t mean she’s a rodent, just too funny, that’s all.
Happy B’day.
Mark