Rhett & Emily Soveran

Unlike other blessed children within the Soveran family, my sister Emily was born on the highest of contemporary pagan holidays—today, Groundhogs Day.

My mom, who is now a theist (or at least that’s what she has us believe), seemed to adore this pagan holiday (at the time my mom was certainly a pagan). Maybe that’s why she had Emily on February 2, 1987. Mom would have us all gather around to watch for the magical groundhog to tell us of wintry fortunes. BLESS US O’ MAGICAL GROUNDHOG. Tell us of our wintry fortunes. Thus, as a true believer, my mom—as did Mary—birthed the pagan messiah—Emily Marie Soveran, the Lord of the Pagans.

Emily doesn’t agree that she might be the Lord of the Pagans, but I get the feeling she is. Let’s run through the list:

  • She’s basically a hippy = pagan
  • She has a high opinion of herself (not like we humble Christians) = pagan
  • She’s dresses very cool = not necessarily pagan but certainly her parentage is questionable so probably pagan (spawned by a pagan god, perhaps? CURSE YOU ZEUS!)
  • She hated and got rid of my first dog, Sally = pagan
  • She loves her (demon) dogs = pagan
  • She drives a red car = pagan

Well, I hope you have an excellent birthday Emily. I hope this humble sacrifice of editorial brilliance will stave off any curses you might will upon me in this year of our pagan lord 2009.

Don’t expect a card. It’s not coming. I pray for your speedy salvation from your pagan ways.

P.S. Please don’t burn me, anyone, for the high levels of offensive sacrilege in this post. Thanks.