Last week, I had the privilege of meeting a long-time internet-friend, Fran—who just happens to be from New Zealand. I met Fran probably at least ten years ago. I was a huge Matthew Good Band fan at the time and was a regular member of several fan forums. Somehow, I actually don’t know how, Fran heard MGB and found her way to the same forums. And a small group of us once superfans still keep in touch today.

Fran came to Canada (to meet a lot of MGB’ers) after being at SXSW (where I tried to meet up with her, but that attempt failed) and is doing a cross-country tour by Greyhound. I repeat—a cross-country tour by Greyhound. I asked how bad it was and she said, not as bad as you would expect. However, I am actually positive that it’s worse than what I’d expect. Fran was in Calgary for one night and we went for some beers.

If you had to take a Kiwi to one place in Calgary, for beer, where would you go? I chose KPub. I realized after that we should have gone to Wild Rose Pub. But oh well. Anyway, while I was getting to know Fran in person, I learned a lot about New Zealand and I thought I should share some of that knowledge… you know, do my part to fix stereotypes.

Common Mistakes about New Zealand

  • They actually are hobbits. You might be thinking to yourself (while talking to a Kiwi)—I better not make any Lord of the Rings jokes. They probably hear that all the time. Totally wrong. Fran is awesome, but she is crazy short and she didn’t wear shoes and had really hairy feet. It was awkward at first, but when the other pub-goers heard her accent they seemed to understand.
  • New Zealand is not a beautiful country. It looked so beautiful in Lord of the Rings, but it turns out that it’s all CGI. Don’t mention how beautiful New Zealand looks in the films. Kiwis get really upset about it. Fran almost started crying but she couldn’t because New Zealand is actually a desert wasteland and her tear ducts were removed at birth so as not to lose any precious water.
  • Kiwis/Hobbits do love beer. This stereotype is actually correct. If there is anything true in this post it’s that they do love beer. Fran kept going on about how much she drank at SXSW.
  • Do you know Bob from Wellington? As a Canadian, this question offends me. CANADA IS HUGE, STOP ASKING IF I KNOW BOB IN TORONTO. However, New Zealand is tiny and they actually do all know each other. I’m actually fairly certain that the whole island is related and not in the cool way.
  • Kiwis sound like the guys from Flight of the Concords. Disclaimer: I don’t know a lot of Kiwis and I hadn’t ever spoken to Fran before so I wasn’t sure what her accent would sound like. Would I understand her? Would she sound like a stupid Australian? Answers: Yes, I understood her and no, thankfully, she didn’t sound like a stupid Australian. She sounded like Bret and Jemaine.

I hope those points were helpful. I think if you have the good fortune to meet a Kiwi and rub their hairy feet (for good luck) that you definitely should. Fran is awesome and therefore we can assume that the rest of her country is filled with similarly (short but) awesome people.

Now that I have offended two countries I need a new target. I think, if I can get my act together, I’ll have a blog post generalizing women soon. So look for that. Here’s the Flight of the Conchords – Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros to take you out.

Photo by IanL.