Part 1 of 2 

The other night, Leif and I went out for a couple of beers and our conversation really affirmed somethings I was already pretty certain of.  Leah read me a study that outlined the difference between implicit and explicit memory.  Perhaps later I can find a quote to explain that or Leah can chime in on the differences, as outlined in the study.  However, it really got me thinking about how good I am at tricking myself.  How my brain will adapt so that it might protect me. 

I don’t know how many of you know this and I am not embarassed or ashamed of it (though I don’t regularly talk about it) but in the last semester of university I was seeing a counsellor for, what he labelled as, severe anxiety.  I didn’t go for very long, but I did learn a few things.  I really learned that my brain, for the most part, is not on my side.  (That’s a fairly relative statement to the topic.)  I realized my patterns of thought and how they affected me (negatively, for the most part). 

I am not writing about this because I need your help or I want a big group hug.  It just struck me how good I am at tricking myself from feeling that anxiety.  This is not like having a stare-off with the alarm clock and wanting to find out who will win.  I am very good at talking but not that great at following through.  And this is the real base for asking why.  It’s an act of avoiding all that I fear.

Now I have left almost all of my stress and vices behind.  Computer games, friends :D, TV, girls.  Got married.  And she’s pushing me–in a good way.  Now all that left is for me to push me.  Push down all the old thought patterns and anxiety.  Because when I don’t write and, especially if I am feeling inspired, bad things start to happen to my body.  My muscles knot up, I am sick to my stomach and maybe even my throat gets sore.  Damn you Logos! 

The answer is obvious.  If I had any sense I would be listening to Tracy’s advice (and the rest of you peoples as well).  Just do it.  And maybe tomorrow I will…