You know what I hate—when I look at myself 5 years ago I think, “that guy was such an idiot”. And I can generally do that when I look back. It’s the “if I knew then what I know now” game. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. But do you realize what that also means? I’m an idiot right now, but I just don’t know it yet. Actually, in this instance, I know it and it smashed me in the face on Monday.

I was going to use the “head in the sand” cliché, but actually I think the “fog of war” is a more apt analogy to what I’ve been up to over the last year. 2011 was a rough year for me. A lot happened and a lot of it was very stressful. I’ve been doing my best to keep a lot of issues inside the fog. It’s not that I didn’t know. It’s that I rented an industrial fog machine and ran that 24/7 inside my brain so that I wouldn’t have to deal with… anything.

For some of it, I was so focussed on moving past my anxiety in creating a podcast that I purposefully ignored other issues. (Speaking of which, the second episode is recorded and I’m starting to edit tonight.) But I ignored a whole bunch of other anxiety because I didn’t really want to face my fears. I thought I could get away with it. If you haven’t already guessed—I couldn’t. I didn’t.

Leah’s been telling me for months that I’ve been losing weight. But that’s impossible. That should be impossible. I ignored her.

I want you to understand my logic, because I’ve been wearing a 32×34 pants since I was 16. I was 165 pounds from 16 until 25 and then I got married and gained 15 pounds—that’s just part of marriage. It’s like the “freshman 15″, but for marriage.

What I’m trying to say is that my weight doesn’t fluctuate. I can eat whatever I want, at any time of day, and I don’t gain weight—which on top of being white, male and impossibly handsome, I’m sure you have a ton of sympathy for me. I’m not looking for sympathy. I just kind of slid “impossibly handsome” in there. I bet you didn’t even notice, but I’m sure unconsciously you’re thinking—yup, that sounds about right.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety before I knew what anxiety was. Anxiety is my bag, baby. And, for me, it comes from the dissonance between who I am and who I want to be. And I’m scared of who I want to be. The problem is, while maintaining a heavily fogged mind, the gulf between those poles was growing further and further apart and my anxiety was increasing, daily, with it. And I started to get sick.

I thought it was the flu at first. But then I kept getting a “stomach bug”. I’m really a strep throat or tonsilitis kind of guy. I rarely have stomach issues. I’m historically quite regular.

On Monday, I went to the doctor and it (obviously) wasn’t the flu. It was my anxiety causing my stomach to release too much acid, which made me sick. Also, I decided to see if Leah was telling the truth and I bought a bathroom scale.

I lost 20 pounds. I can slip my jeans off without undoing the button. Currently, I weigh less than my 16 year old self. I look like Christian Bale in The Machinist (not really, that’s hyperbole).

I freaked out.

So here I am, about to turn 30, and I’m just realizing that I can’t ignore myself and moreover I can’t try to be someone I’m not. I’m an idiot, but hopefully I’m getting a little smarter.

My goal for 2012 (it’s a goal because resolutions are for January only) is to look my fear and anxiety in the face and walk into it and not stop until I am the man I want to be. I’ve started jogging and exercising. I’m forcing myself to eat regularly and not skip meals, even if I don’t have an appetite. I’m done hiding. Done with excuses and shift blaming. I’m responsible for me. And you’re just going to have to deal with me—the real me.

You know what the worst thing about all of this is—I lost my ass. And I didn’t have much of one to begin with. But now I really don’t have an ass. If there’s one thing that will motivate me, I can always count on my vanity. I’m going to go eat another cinnamon bun. All booties begin with cinnamon buns and I want mine back.

For the last 5 years the baby conversation has been in deep orbit. Leah was in school, we were making enough to get by with just the two of us and the idea of having a child scares the hell out of me. Not because I think I’d necessarily be a bad father, but because of the ethics around it and also because babies are needy and I HAVE NEEDS TOO. So discussions between Leah and I about having children were few and they were always discussed as being at some far-off, abstract and preferably non-existent time.

However, now that Leah is finished her Masters, the conversation is happening more regularly and instead of deep orbit it’s more of a Armageddon-style asteroid that’s coming right for me.

The other night we were watching Up All Night, with Will Arnett and Christina Applegate (which is quite good). I recall the house smelled like we’d just brought in a (real) Christmas tree, but in truth it was from the candles that Leah was burning. We were snuggled on the couch, under a knitted blanket, and Will’s character was carrying his TV baby in a sling.

Side note: I find that the older I get the more obvious the marketing to my demographic becomes. No one understands teenagers so it’s just a bunch of loud noises, but as I get older the attempts to get my attention are much more refined. There are so many TV shows right now that are very similar to my life and as such quite relatable. Like a TV show about new parents.

So, Will’s character is holding a baby in a sling or a baby backpack or some kind of baby-holidng device and Leah pauses the show, looks into my eyes and I look into hers, and says—with all the love, hope and happiness she bears me—I can’t wait to have kids. I bet you’ll be just like that—always wanting to carry the baby. You’ll be so cute.

Before I finish—what did you hear? What did you read? Because let me tell you, this is the typical barrage of psychological warfare she unleashes upon me daily. I’m onto you, Leah Soveran. Don’t think I don’t know. I hear everything.

I heard the truth. What she was really saying was:

We are having kids and this is not a discussion. I’m going to carry this child for 9 months, but you’ll be carrying him for the next 20 years. You’re going to do all the heavy lifting. You’re going to do all the heavy lifting. You’re going to do all the heavy lifting.

So, there you have it. I’m totally screwed and I think you go to jail for blowing up a baby (re: Armageddon reference). I better start working on my core. On the plus side, I have always wanted discernable abs.

I’m an idiot. I want you to know that. Honestly, I like to believe I’m smart, but all the evidence points to the contrary. I’d like to share a little story from last night with you.

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Generally, I can deal with stress, but I do very poorly when a dump truck unloads a mountain of stress on my life (stress has broken my ability to write coherent imagery). And the last little while there seems to be an unending supply of stress coming my way.

Usually, if stress were a Power Ranger, I only have to deal with one them, but now they’ve teamed up into a megazord of stress. (I miss the Power Rangers. That was such a superbly bad, yet entertaining show. And the pink one who’s on that Canadian SWAT show? So cute. Amirite?)

The stress reached megazord levels with that whole passport fiasco. There’s been a knot in my stomach ever since. I haven’t been eating much and what I do eat is rarely healthy. Soccer ended so, aside from walking Duke, I am not exercising. I don’t blog about work, but work has been crazy (in a good way, but still stressful).

Plus, as you’ve noticed, I’ve blocked up my creativity and the podcast is hanging in my mind reminding me of how much of a failure I am. STRESS! (That being said, I’m hoping to finish it tonight.)

So suffice to say there’s been a lot of stress and I haven’t dealt with any of it well.

Renewing My “Live Differently” Mantra

Anyway, all of that is just to say, that I recalled a promise I made back in January to live differently. I haven’t been. Not enough, at least. So I’ve reignited my commitment to this and I’m starting by making the decision to take better care of myself. I’ve started by (1) taking multivitamins and (2) yesterday I got a massage. I believe the masseuse referred to my back as gristled.

So I’ve been locking up all that stress in my back and stomach. She was able to relax the muscles in my back. But in addition to being a fantastic masseuse, she is also a yoga teacher and she taught me some breathing exercises to help with the stress. Take deep breaths. Breathe in the good and breathe out the bad. I started practicing immediately—there’s no time like the present.

Last night, while I was taking a pee, I figured it was a good time to practice my breathing. No, it’s the perfect time. I can’t really do much else, right? Can’t really do much with my hands and my brain is totally open to mental exercises of visualizing breathing in good intention and breathing out bad stress.

Deep breath in and… cough, cough, cough. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the smell of pee that’s been combined with multi-vitamins, but it’s not pleasant. It’s got a hint of rotten vegetables to it. My good intentions were over-ruled by pee smell.

That’s the Whole Story

If you were just disappointed that you read all of that to realize I was making a pee joke—I apologize. But the bathroom is not the place to practice your deep breathing and it’s an important message I wanted to share. Or that I cannot seem to recognize the most obvious and fundamental rules of when is and is not a good time for that kind of self-work.

My next step to managing my stress better is going to be Bikram Yoga classes and meditation—but I won’t do any of it in the bathroom.

We’ve all seen the awful AXE commercials, right? They are ridiculous and often borderline offensive in their sexuality, but you know who eats them up? Teenaged boys. Do you know why I know this? Because I used to be a summer camp counsellor for many years where my only rule was:

• Use common sense (and if you break that we add more rules).
• (Secret rule: If you are planning to sneak out to meet a girl—don’t wake me up and don’t get caught. I was awesome like that.)

But then AXE happened. Do you know what crazed teenaged boys, hopped up on hormones, do with AXE Body Spray when they believe it’s going to get them closer to teenaged girls? They spray that shit everywhere.

They spray it on themselves. Not just armpits. Everywhere. Their entire bodies. Their sleeping bags. My bed. Their friend’s hair. Everywhere. I hated AXE and I saw what it did to my peer’s cabins when they walked out their doors in the morning and out of an AXE fog. And thus I created the third rule:

• If you’re using AXE, you have to be outside to spray yourself.

So I’ve never been a believer in AXE until earlier this week in Austin, Texas at SXSW. As I left the Austin Convention Center I was handed a sampler spray can of AXE Body Spray by and I said, “Great. Now I can smell like a teenage boy.”

As if I were in an AXE commercial a stunning blonde, walking in front of me, turned around with a concerned look on her face—because she just heard some dude claiming to want to smell like a teenage boy.

But as she looked into my eyes and saw that I was (1) handsome and (2) joking, she smiled and winked.

I know you all probably think of me as a ladies man as I married a sexy lady like Leah, but let me assure you that I am not. Maybe this will help: A HOT BLONDE SMILED AT ME! A HOT BLONDE SMILED AT ME!

And as you should guess, I did nothing with this opportunity for two reasons:

1. I’m married, love my wife and have no interest in cheating.
2. More importantly: I have no game.

I understand AXE now. It uses hyperbole, but it can get you girls—even if you’re not wearing it. AXE will get you the opportunity to talk to girls. They might not flock to you, but you get the opportunity. So I’m currently testing out my little bottle of spray. You know, for the ladies… or mostly because stick deodorant gives my armpits rashes and I wanted to see if this will help with that (my suspicion is that the dye in stick deodorant is the cause).

This is Rhett “The Ladies Man” Soveran signing out, smelling fabulous and mostly rash free.

Last year I attempted a SXSW live blog, but it didn’t go so well. The problem will be whether or not I have my laptop with me or if I get so wrapped up in the panel that I forget to write/take notes. But I need to make some notes so I thought I’d just share whatever I end up producing with everyone.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Matt Mullenweg Interview: The Future of WordPress

Most thought provoking idea: “Programming is the new literacy of the future.”

DreamHost Party at Malverde

David and I had a great time at the DreamHost party last night. The photo was taken by uLOVEi and is being used with permission.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Intrigue Me: Writing Compelling Content

By Stephanie Hay

3 Elements of Compelling Content:

• Focus: Audience, Medium and Network
• Credibility: Meaningful, Helpful, Results-Oriented, and Be Confident, Not Conceited
• Consistency: Structure, Voice and Style

Honestly, when isn’t it fun to sit in a room full of writers? It’s always fun.

SUPER-Talented: A Conversation With James Gunn, Ellen Page and Rainn Wilson

I’m totally going to make out with Ellen Page. Update: It turns out Ellen Page didn’t make it, so I didn’t make out with her. Rainn did call her on the phone though and the highlight was her commenting that working on this film was “rad as hell”. I think I might steal that.

However, James Gunn and Rainn Wilson were really good. In other interviews, I’ve heard that Rainn is a really strange guy, but he was quite funny. They were promoting their new movie SUPER, which sounds like it’s worth seeing.

SUPER Trailer With Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler and Kevin Bacon

Point of Interest #1

I just walked past Danny DeVito.

Interview With Todd Phillips

This one is based on personal interest. Todd Phillips wrote/directed some of the funniest movies in the last 20 years.

While being asked about using the word “fag” in his movies Todd said something to the affect that there is “collateral damage” in comedy. While I don’t think that argument can cover all sins, I do like the idea that in the comedy someone or something is being hurt.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Transmedia Storytelling: Constructing Compelling Characters and Narrative Threads

By Barbara Vance

I literally know nothing about transmedia storytelling; however, it seems I have been consuming transmedia stories without realizing. From what I’m hearing, transmedia stories are told across multiple platforms—such as Star Wars being told in various platforms/formats.

Keep a story database (you will know more about your characters/story than anyone else and thus keep a database to keep it all straight).

“Archetypes are universal forms, but not a formula.” You need unique characteristics for your archetypal characters.

Content First, Everything Else Second

By Daniel Neumann

• Average click-through in 2010: 0.09%
• A lot of space dedicated on websites to content discovery
• Crowded experience
• HuffPo: 24% content, 6% comments, 70% other stuff
• AdBlock Plus: 111m downloads, but only gives a marginally better experience
• Readability/Instapaper: makes reading experience better
• Content discovery being replaced by social discovery
• Monetization: Less intrusive ad formats. Sponsored stories.

I left this after 20 minutes. This session turned into a pitch for a company. But the first 10 had promise.

Comedy and Social Media

I’m here for Marc Maron mostly, but maybe I’ll learn about social media from comedians… stranger things have happened.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Creation, Curation and the Ethics of Content Strategy

by Margot Bloomstein

Curation should always be creating new meaning. What are we trying to accomplish? And if we can’t answer that, how can we be held ethically accountable to the communications strategy we have. Ethical content strategy and curation demand a concrete perspective. What do we emphasize or diminish? Can you sustain this cohesively and consistently through the experience?

Comedic Communication: Developing User-Centered Humor Design

by Adam Frucci, Baratunde Thurston, Chelsey Delaney, Lisa Cohen

This is a really interesting panel, but I don’t know if I’m learning or not. I need a bit more time to process, perhaps. Okay, good idea—humor helps self-actualization.

Keynote: Felicia Day

This is my first keynote of 2011 and I’m glad I attended. Felicia Day was totally brilliant. If you don’t know Felicia, she is the creator of The Guild which is an amazing web series.

I didn’t blog throughout the piece (hence the past tense), because I was so wrapped up in the talk. It’s not that Felicia was saying anything ground-breaking, but that she was saying things that I believe and think about all the time and it was just refreshing to know and remember that there are people who think like me out there—that it’s not all about numbers, but actually being yourself and having real conversations. I know that’s what you hear all the time, but I rarely believe it when I hear “social media experts” say it.

Honestly, it’s the best talk I’ve seen yet here. As I said on Twitter, I think she saved the conference to me. I’m feeling really inspired right now and I don’t feel alone. I need to surround myself with more people like her—people that get it. And as if an inspirational talk by Felicia wasn’t good enough, next up is Gary V.

The Thank You Economy

by Gary Vaynerchuk

• Gary just started this talk by saying “it’s going to gangsta in here”.
• “If content is king, context is god.”
• Very few companies, even start-ups, care about customers
• We need to look back on Zappos in a few years and think they are awful
• No more “Customer Service Department”, but a “Thank You Department”
• The humanization of business
• Give first and think later
• Social media marketers are like a 19 year old kid—they try to close too fast
• Think “how do I act like a human being?” These are small-town rules. Our grandparents are ready for this, but we aren’t. If you only rely on metrics or ROI, you’re not going to make it.
• Caring is scalable

Man, does that title have some sweet SEO value or what? Hey, did the search engines trick you into visiting this page? Well, I’m a nice guy. Take a read. Enjoy yourself.

Actual Blog Post—Begin!

So here is the story. Last night, I was sitting here watching Invader Zim on NetFlix and just after 11 PM a simple thought popped into my head, as if for the very first time—when does my passport expire? And I do the whole “scramble to the drawer where my passport is and feverishly dig it out” even though I already know I’m totally and entirely screwed. February 20. That’s the day it happened. That’s the day my passport died. Two weeks. TWO WEEKS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I had been planning since last September. I had such a great time last year at SXSW and I’ve been thinking about it since I left last year. This year I’m going with my friend David Austin and over the last few weeks we’ve been sending each other different parties, panels and other things going on. So I’m pumped but for some reason my brain isn’t thinking—check your passport YOU IDIOT.

One Rule For Travel Writers: Always Have Your Passport

Let’s review: I’m the web editor of travel magazine. I’m pretty sure there’s only one rule: always have your passport. That’s the one rule. And I broke it.

Don’t you hate change? I liked that passport. We’d been through some real shit together. Honestly, I have a lot of very reasonable excuses. Work’s been crazy busy. I’ve been focusing on other projects, like the podcast and a few secrets ones that I’m not ready to announce. And February was just total shit. I mean, I can’t remember anything good in February. Nevertheless, I forgot to check my passport. I knew it expired in 2011, but I didn’t check. That is just stupid. Plain stupid. And I know better.

Beauty & The Tantrum

I totally lost it last night. I’m pretty sure I spent a lot of time rolling around on the floor, cursing the gods and wondering why this was happening to me? WHAT DID I DO? It’s all a bit of a blur. I’m operating on a couple hours of sleep and those were not good hours of sleep. I’m pretty sure it was a brief stress coma. I still have a hard time believing that I’m that guy.

Thankfully, I’m married to Leah who is far more practical than myself. She got to work. She started reading the Passport Canada website. She found the forms. She found the “Urgent” option which is 24 hours. She filled out the forms. I found some friends to vouch for this gangsta (THANK YOU!) and I got everything I needed together. Then I went to bed, exhausted and passed out around 12:30 AM. Also, it’s important to note that the stress was really doing wonders for my gastrointestinal tract. Also also, I’m tired of this narrative so let’s do the rest of this annal style.

The Timeline After I Fell Asleep

At 5 AM certain evils transpired. I’m taking the high road here and not giving you graphic detail.

At 7:30 AM I was at the Harry Hays Passport Office for the moment it opened, but there was one problem—I needed photos. And guess what? The three passport photo shops in the vicinity did not open until 9 AM. I walked to all of them. That’s how I know. I couldn’t move my car or I’d never get another parking spot. So I waited.

At 8:56 AM I was getting my passport photos. In the previous minute, I was following behind the employee who had just unlocked the door. By 9:01 AM I was running across the street to the Harry Hays building, got my application marked urgent, JUMPED THE MOTHER TRUCKING LINE and had it processed immediately. They’d check my references and I was to be back at 3 PM to pick up MY NEW PASSPORT!

At 2:43 PM I was back at the Harry Hays building. This is when I think the passport officers (I don’t know if they are officers, but that’s what I’m going to call them) started messing with me, because even though they said pick it up at 3 PM, they also said they can’t guarantee anything. I was pretty confident that it would happen, but I wasn’t going to believe it until I saw it.

I gave the officer my slip and she went and looked through her alphabetized pile. And I’m pining for the fjords like I’ve never pined before. Because this still might not happen and she can save me and I want to know if they are going to save me. WHO IS GOING TO SAVE ME?

She said, just one moment and went to the back. And I was standing there and I was worrying. It’s funny how stress goes to different places. Usually my stress goes into my throat. Just thinking about it makes my throat clench up a little. But this was all in my stomach, as previously mentioned. (I want you to know that I’m working really hard not to go there.) Am I going to get this passport? Is she going to come back and say the wizard that creates passports had gone home for the day?

After 5 minutes she comes back, empty handed and says it’s not ready yet and come back in 10 minutes. I thought about asking if I was going to get it today, but then I realized it would be a tactical error (been watching TNG). I was early so I’ll give them the requested time.

At 3:01 PM I was back. Again, she get through the alphabetized pile. No luck. Again, she goes to the back. After a couple minutes she comes back, empty handed again and I realize that I’m not going tomorrow. No SXSW for me. But there was a savior just behind her.

Conclusion: Thank You Passport Canada

The other officer handed her my new passport.

I’m making jokes. But this was awful for me. I was so embarrassed. I’m embarrassed telling you I was embarrassed. I made such a stupid mistake, but it happens—right? Some times you hit the Game Over because you jumped down a hole and it was a mistake. This time Passport Canada gave me an extra life. I’m telling you this story because they deserve so much praise for producing a new passport for me in less that 7 hours.

They saved me on so many levels. And I told the officer that before I left and she assured me she would pass it on. I was so relieved I almost started crying right in front of her when I was thanking her. Maybe I should’ve cried and she would’ve known how much it meant to me. Sure, I paid you double, but I would’ve paid you more if I could have. So this is what I have to offer. My thanks to all you government workers tonight, but of course a special thanks to everyone at the passport office in down town Calgary.

POOP!